YES I KNOW INTRO AND STUFF PLEASE BARE WITH ME FOR A MOMENT THERE EY?


Enlightenment is such a strong word. So spiritual, so emotional, such marvelous experience.
Sounds so much more fantastic than the simple "understanding". Well, I think enlightenment does fit my current situation, event though it's as far as you get from emotional.
The lack of emotions, this is what makes me think clearly. Floating in a space where nothing exists but me and logic, I found my enlightenment.

You see, I wanted so much to do art. To write. To draw. To play. To sing. Yet you can see how long I haven't been here for.
I just couldn't get in if I have nothing to post. But why? Why can't I?

It's not the lack of strong emotions, as I suspected at the beginning. Emotions gave me all the inspiration up until now- well, those of them that I can feel.
And now the feeling's here, but there's nothing out. It hurts. The pain and anger on my failure eat me from the inside. Over-dramatic, but that's how I am with this sort of stuff.

But then I stopped with the drama, took a shower, and gave myself a moment to see things crystal clear:
What I feel is pain- the pain of being powerless, defenseless, helpless.
These emotions are weak ones. They imply weakness.
I have never really shown weakness.

I'm incapable of showing weakness. That's it.

That's why I can't speak.